


I Began Coping. (With Blades and Things too Soft to Feel.)

by dandelionweekes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Age regressor Noya, But asahi's there to help so dont worry, CG Asahi, Fluff, Happy Ending, I don't know what else to say, I mean I guess???, I promise, M/M, Noya is baby, Noya is kind of sad, Suga knows that Asahi is absolutely whipped, also goes further into the reasoning for noyas regression, angsty, asahi buys noya a little stuffed bun, but a self conscious baby, depression tw, enjoy ig, insomnia TW, it got really long on accident sorry, rather than focusing mostly on the regression itself, self harm tw, there is fluff tho, uhhhhhhh idk i just don't see enough properly depicted agere, which he is but sh...., why write something without a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26152081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandelionweekes/pseuds/dandelionweekes
Summary: Noya gripped at the grass uselessly for a moment before he pushed himself up, his expression watery and sad. Then, in the blink of an eye, he lunged forward, climbing onto Asahi’s lap. He wrapped his arms and legs around the taller boy tightly, burying his face in the crook of his neck. And this was all against his better judgement, really, but he was so small and he just didn’t care anymore. He just wanted some comfort, and he was pretty sure that Asahi was the best place to get it from.-In which Noya is struggling and Asahi is fighting tooth and nail to not have him do so alone.Noya is also an age regressor b/c.....hnngngng.....im soft babie.......This goes more into Noya's bad coping habits and reasons for regressing rather than just being babie Noya fluff, so it's a bit angsty but still cute i promise. Also it got really long on accident OOPS. Okay, I need sleep. NIGHT. ENJOY
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu
Comments: 10
Kudos: 87





	I Began Coping. (With Blades and Things too Soft to Feel.)

**Author's Note:**

> Age regression - Age regression occurs when you mentally retreat to an earlier age. In all ways, you believe you're back at that point in your life, and you may exhibit childish behaviors, too. Some people choose to revert to a younger age. In this case, it can be a coping mechanism to help them relax and eliminate stress.
> 
> I guess that's an okay definition, for those of you who may be unfamiliar with the term. Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy. I'm sorry for fandom hopping and never finishing that IT fic.....I deleted it, oops. 
> 
> To those of you who are actually following me - I've been absent for so long, and honestly, I stopped writing for awhile. I was just drained of any inspiration, but now I'm back and writing this way so relieving. My head was so full of thoughts and words and characters that I actually lost sleep over it. It feels good to write again; I missed it. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy! Sorry this is so long!!! 
> 
> *also ik noya lives with his grandfather and some other details r off but sh....
> 
> littol Noya has me so soft.............hggnmfg..........and that whole thing about the bunny.....I'm struggling with it right now, y'all. >:(((( I'll figure it out tho, I guess

The day had begun stressful, but Nishinoya had been positive---absolutely _positive_ \---that he could get through it. Sure, he had awoken to his mother yelling at him over his falling grades. And sure, he had been faced with a surprise test in Japanese, which he was almost certain that he had failed. And _sure,_ while on his way to volleyball practice, he had managed to somehow trip over his own feet and fall flat on his face, scraping a fair amount of skin from his chin and knees, and causing his water bottle to spill its contents inside of his gym bag. But. Nishinoya was positive (absolutely) that he’d get through it. 

Only, as he stepped up to the doors that led into the gym, he found himself wavering. He had been so sure of himself, but with blood dripping from his chin and his cheek stinging so painfully that it brought tears to his eyes, with his hands dented and red from the concrete and pebbles that they had been pressed harshly to, he found himself cracking. His resolve was strong, though, so before stepping into the gym, Nishinoya wiped the blood from his face, held his head high, and walked in. 

The stress was weighing heavily on his shoulders, making him feel as though his feet were made of concrete, and a little sick to his stomach. From somewhere in the back of his mind he could feel a warm simplicity trying to take over, urging him to fall away into a comfort that he would relent to on any other day. Anywhere else. But no, not here; not at practice. He _couldn’t._

 _I’ve got this,_ Noya told himself, inhaling deeply. He held the breath in his chest, which made his small frame ache slightly, reminding himself of the fall that he had taken only minutes ago. 

He greeted everyone in the gym with a smile that he hoped was bright and beaming, though he was sure that it had come across as forced. The guys knew him well enough, and the lack of shine in his eyes was a dead giveaway as to his true mood, but as long as no one asked, he was good. He was safe. 

Most of the others knew just as much. They were aware that they shouldn’t inquire and press things when Noya really wasn’t in the mood, but then, there was one not so self aware giant that had caught his gaze by accident. Quickly, Noya looked away, letting out the breath that he had held in his chest, missing the furrowing of said giant's eyebrows and the concerned look that settled softly on his features. 

For the most part, Nishinoya loved Asahi. He was kind and soft and cared so deeply for everyone and everything around him. And Noya looked up to him endlessly, too, but he tended to push and urge even when people didn’t want him to. Of course, he did this with no ill intent; he only wanted to help. But sometimes, people didn’t want his help, and this was certainly one of those times. 

Noya could tell that Asahi was about to approach him, so he shot off in the opposite direction so that he could put his bag away and slip on his jersey, greeting Hinata who was smiling at him so brightly and so enthusiastically that he almost couldn’t take it. 

And then there it was again, that warmth spreading throughout the back of his head, coaxing him and his pain and exhaustion into a much easier reality to cope with. But it wasn’t just that at this point, he realized, though belatedly. The mannerisms were seeping through. The fidgeting, the wringing of his hands, curling of his toes, the surprised widening of his eyes at every new shock of noise that rang through the gymnasium and echoed from wall to wall. He was slipping, and _fuck,_ could he just _not?_ Or would that be too easy? 

Vaguely, he thought about how embarrassing this all was. And that’s not to say that he was ashamed of the fact that he regressed, per se. More so the fact that he couldn’t keep himself under control for just a _little longer_. 

_A little longer,_ he pleaded with himself, clenching one of his fists so tightly that his nails began to dig into his already stinging palm. _Please._

Soon enough, practice had officially started and Nishinoya was optimistic once more, just as he had been at the beginning of the day. Sure, he sort of felt like he was falling apart, being ripped at the seams, but he was keeping a straight face and keeping the feeling in the back of his mind at bay. Once he got home, he could come apart. He could pull all of his toys out or zone out to his heart's content. Maybe he’d take a warm bath and patch up the wounds that he had accumulated throughout the day with the cute bandages that he had bought himself in secret one day at the store. Or _maybe---_

Abruptly, Nishinoya was pulled from his thoughts as he slammed to the floor, feeling the force of the fall ricochet throughout his entire body. The noise, the sick pained noise, made everyone freeze, made all their eyes grow wide with worry because usually Noya would bounce back. Usually he would hop right back up onto his feet and the game would continue and the world would whiz by. But… 

“Noya?” someone said, but Nishinoya wasn’t sure who because his heart was pumping so hard that he could hear it rushing loudly in his ears, and his hands were gripping at the floor uselessly, and tears were pricking his eyes. And---

Ah, fuck. 

Noya had to get out of the gym---he had to run far away before his little side bled out. So he pushed himself up in a messy, uncoordinated way and bounded out, moving as fast as he could. Warm tears began to streak their way down his cheeks and he choked on an inhale, sniffling. His mind was beginning to cloud, and he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t push this side of him away; he couldn’t smother it like he was hoping to do. It was cropping up, taking over him because he _needed_ it. He supposed, then, that what he really couldn’t do anymore was the day. 

And then, for the third time in the past twenty-four hours, Noya tripped, falling over his own feet clumsily. It wasn’t like it hurt---it was grass that he had fallen onto---but everything had been building up and he was so tired.

More tears rolled down his cheeks and he clenched his teeth letting out a small aggravated squeak. Within a moment, he was gone. He could no longer keep up the facade---he had slipped, truly and completely, which certainly did not bode well for him at all.

“Noya!” a voice called out after him, and he could hear someone’s feet padding across the grass, carrying them and their gentle disposition over to him. 

It was Asahi, which certainly wasn’t who he wanted to see right now. Not that he really wanted to see anyone. He just sort of wanted to cry into the grass, whine, and forget that this day had ever happened. But no, Asahi was here. And, of course he was. Of course he was here to check up on Nishinoya, with his stupid kindness and his stupid will to care about anyone and everyone. 

“God, you’re so fast…” Asahi huffed out softly before his eyes came to focus on Noya’s small body, which was splayed out against the ground. “Are you...alright?” he questioned softly, his eyebrows pulling together. A small frown tugged at the corners of Asahi’s lips and he kneeled down next to Nishinoya, hesitating for a moment before he said, “Noya?” 

Noya gripped at the grass uselessly for a moment before he pushed himself up, his expression watery and sad. Then, in the blink of an eye, he lunged forward, climbing onto Asahi’s lap. He wrapped his arms and legs around the taller boy tightly, burying his face in the crook of his neck. And this was all against his better judgement, really, but he was so small and he just didn’t care anymore. He just wanted some comfort, and he was pretty sure that Asahi was the best place to get it from.

He was big and soft and was weak for hugs, and he was understanding, too. If Noya had to tell anyone about his regression, he supposed that Asahi would be the guy that he would come to. You could tell him pretty much anything and he would nod empathetically with shining eyes. 

“Oh,” Asahi said limply, blinking a couple of times. He was unsure of what to do or how he should react. After all, this was quite the one-eighty from how Noya had been earlier regarding him. It wasn’t that he minded, though. Nishinoya was warm and, despite how tightly he was clinging to Asahi’s body, it was kind of relaxing. What could Asahi say? He was touch starved; he’d take human contact any day. On this day in particular, though, he just wished he understood what was happening and where this side of Noya had come from. 

Noya let out a little squeak and Asahi could feel him tangling his hands in his jersey. He blinked a few more times, feeling as though his brain was short-circuiting, before he got himself together and rooted through his mind for something to say. 

“Do...you wanna go back to the gym?” Asahi asked, his arms hanging limply and awkwardly at his sides. He looked down on Noya, his eyes scanning how his tiny body clung to his own fervently. Against his shoulder, Asahi felt Nishinoya shake his head rapidly, and then, in this little, tightly wound voice came, “No!” 

Now, for the most part Asahi never really knew what was happening. A lot of the time he tended to space out and fall into his own mind, fretting about things that were certainly useless. He could spend hours working up a sweat worrying about nothing and everything all at once, only to be thrown back into reality abruptly and shockingly. In this situation, though, he had certainly been pretty lucid throughout the whole thing, and he _still_ didn’t know what was going on. 

“Do you wanna go home?” Asahi tried, and in response all he got was a muffled “mmph!”, which he supposed was enough of an answer. There was nowhere else for them to go, after all, and they couldn’t just sit on the grass forever. “Okay, well in that case I need to go back to get our bags. Is that okay?”

Noya was silent for a moment before he pulled his head up and rested it on Asahi’s broad shoulder. “Okay.” He said softly, jutting his bottom lip out from his mouth. His eyes were wide and rimmed with red and his fingers were still digging into Asahi’s clothes, gripping to the comfort that he provided as tightly as he could. 

Asahi waited for a moment, thinking that Noya would slip off of his lap and accompany him to the gym, but he seemed to be mistaken as the smaller boy was still sitting firmly in his place with no apparent plans to move. 

“Carry,” Noya said after a moment, and this was when Asahi truly processed how high his voice had gotten. How childlike his tone and inflection had become. 

“O-oh.” Asahi inhaled, and if he focused, he could feel the soft thudding of Noya’s heart against his chest, which, effectively, made his own heart flutter wildly. “Okay. Sure.” He replied after a moment. It wasn’t like he particularly minded the thought of carrying Noya. Really, he didn’t. He was just caught off guard with the _whole_ situation and trying to catch up as quickly as he could. 

He couldn’t remember a time when Noya had acted like this before, even when he racked his brain continuously. But then, maybe something had happened when he fell, Asahi reasoned. Maybe he hit his head. After all, that made the most sense. 

Once Asahi and Nishinoya were outside of the gym, Asahi let Noya slip from his body and sit on the ground. Immediately, the smaller boy shrunk down on himself, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees. He peeked up at Asahi with wide, nervous eyes through a curtain of thick, dark eyelashes. 

Asahi smiled softly, taking note of just how subdued his entire demeanor had become. “I’ll be right back, alright?” 

When he set foot in the gym, everyone turned to look at him. Tanaka was the first person to run up to him, asking intently if Noya was okay; had he gotten hurt? Did Asahi know what had happened to his chin? Asahi simply brushed the boy off as best as he could, trying to give him the most honest and straightforward answer that he could (“He’s fine, he’s just not feeling very well. I’m taking him home.”) 

After answering a few more prying questions, Asahi made a b-line for Sugawara who was regarding him with careful consideration. 

“Is everything alright?” Suga inquired, balling his hands up and placing them firmly on his hips. 

“Sure, yeah,” Asahi blinked around the gym for a moment nervously before he returned his gaze to Sugawara. “Except---I think that Noya might’ve hit his head or something. He’s acting weird. Kind of like he reverted back in age, if that makes sense.” 

Suga’s eyebrows rose to his forehead and his mouth fell open. “Oh.” 

“I---I’m not quite sure what to do.” Asahi admitted, smiling in a slightly embarrassed manner, feeling quite inept. At this point, he should be able to deal with Noya’s odd behavior and quirks; everyone had learned how. But this, this was new. 

“Mind if I go out there and see what’s up?” 

“Sure, by all means!” 

Once Asahi had gathered up he and Noya’s bags, he led Suga out of the gym, trying his best to ignore the worried murmurs of his teammates. Maybe he didn’t exactly know what was going on, but Suga might. Suga usually knew what was going on; he was level-headed and thoughtful. Though he could be quite chaotic at times, he always knew when to pull himself together and act mature. 

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Asahi said as Suga let his eyes fall onto Nishinoya, who was staring up at him in an almost startled manner. “It’s just…” 

Sugawara smiled gently, walking past Asahi. He was careful not to get too close to Noya as he seemed frightened. Just close enough so that he could communicate effectively. “Hey, Noya,” he greeted softly, feeling Asahi’s gaze weighing heavily on him.

Noya winced, pulling back a little. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Suga assured. “I’m not gonna hurt you, see?” To prove his point, he lifted his hands up and splayed them out, stretching his fingers outwards. In response, Noya fixed him with a skeptical gaze. Again, Suga smiled, then, pushing his hands forward, he asked, “Noya, can you show me how old you are?” 

Hesitantly, Nishinoya reached out to push down one of Suga’s hands, leaving only one of them hanging in the air. Then, on the remaining hand, he folded down one of Suga’s fingers, leaving only four left standing upright.

“Hm, alright.” Suga scanned Noya, who looked more beat up than usual. The fact that he was cowering in his own arms made his heart squeeze slightly. “It’s scary, huh? Being so small around all these big guys.” He said after a moment, watching gently as Noya nodded. “But Asahi’s gonna take you home, alright? He’s gonna take care of you.” After a beat Sugawara pushed himself back up so that he was standing and turned, his eyes connecting with Asahi’s large, confused ones. “It’s pretty much just what I thought,” he explained. “He’s regressed mentally in age.” 

Asahi’s mouth fell open, but he tried to conceal his confusion and pretend like he understood. After a moment, though, his eyebrows pulled together and he looked even more clueless than he had before. “W-what?” 

“He’s in the headspace of a four year old right now.” Suga continued, sparing Noya a sympathetic glance. “Hitting the ground so hard might’ve triggered it, but he did seem a little off earlier, too.” 

“O-oh.” Asahi nodded, still looking a little lost. He shifted, hiking his and Nishinoya’s backpacks higher up on his shoulder with a swift movement. “So what do I do, then?” 

“Take him home, but keep an eye on him. He’s perceiving the world from the perspective of a toddler, so treat him like you would a child. You’re good with kids, right?” Sugawara questioned, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“Um,” Asahi began limply, trying to catch up. No, was the short answer, and the slightly longer answer was no, he wasn’t, but he was good with Noya, so he was pretty sure that that counted for something. He was almost certain Suga didn’t want to hear that, though so he just squeaked out, “Sure,” despite it being quite the lie. Kids tended to be scared or put off of him due to his towering height, but Noya never seemed to mind, and he didn’t seem to mind now, either, judging from how he had clung to Asahi earlier. 

“Great,” Suga smiled, “I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Then, contemplation crossed his features for a moment and he lifted his hand to hold his chin between his thumb and forefinger. “I suppose I could come with you if you’re unsure about going on your own.”

“No, no!” Asahi waved his hands around rapidly, flashing a sheepish smile. He would hate for his incompetence to be the reason that Sugawara was pulled away from practice. And plus, he was pretty sure he could hold his own. It was only Noya, after all. “I think I’ve got this.” Asahi paused, “How do you know so much about all of this stuff?” 

“Oh, I have a cousin who’s the same way. She regresses because of something that happened to her when she was young,” he smiled slightly, but it looked a little pained in the way the edges of his lips wavered. Stealing another glimpse of Nishinoya, he continued, “It really helped her, y’know? I used to take care of her when she didn’t have anyone else to look after her.” 

“That’s sweet, Suga,” Asahi smiled, then looked over at Noya, who was staring up at him with wide, needy eyes. “Well,” he turned back to the grey haired boy, letting out a breath. “We better get going then.” 

“Right.” Suga said. “Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything, Asahi.” 

Asahi nodded firmly before he walked over to Noya, trying his best to appear as gentle as possible. He didn’t want to scare him like he tended to do with little kids. For the most part, he had hope that he wouldn’t, but there was still this little nagging in the back of his head that made him hesitate slightly. 

“Are you ready to go?” he questioned softly, surprise startling through his body as Noya quickly hopped up and attached himself to Asahi, pressing his face into him. He smelled faintly of the cologne that he sprayed himself with at the beginning of each day, and he was soft and warm. Noya was quietly grateful to have him there, because he was sure that anyone else would’ve just spurred on a temper tantrum. 

Asahi smiled slightly, and from behind him, he heard Sugawara giggle quietly. 

“Good luck, man.” Suga said, saluting to him before he stepped back into the gym. 

“Thanks!” Asahi called out, then looked down on Noya, his eyes shining fondly. He was kind of nervous, but also he was maybe enjoying this just a little. What could he say? Noya was cute like this. Not that he wasn’t just cute in general, because he was, but---

“Ah,” Asahi said quietly, cutting his own thoughts off as a light, rosy blush dusted itself across his cheeks. He did _not_ need to be letting his mind wander right now. He needed to keep his focus on Nishinoya and making him feel better. “Alright, Noya, let go.”

Noya shook his head, scrunching up his face. “No. Don’ wanna.” 

The stark change in his voice made Asahi fall silent for a moment so that he could process it. And then there he was, short circuiting again due to Noya. It was pretty embarrassing, really, how often it happened. It used to be pretty obvious, but only Suga and Daichi had ever seemed to notice (thankfully.) Now, he was more accustomed to pulling himself together, but it was getting pretty hard when Noya was gripping him like he was his lifeline. Ah, who let him be so _adorable?_

“Come on, Noya. Don’t you want to get home?” 

“Mmph!” Noya grumbled, letting go reluctantly because, yeah, he did. He wanted to go home and watch cartoons, or pull out all of his toys and scatter them around his room. Maybe take a nap, too.

Asahi chuckled, patting Noya’s head affectionately. “Alright, come on, then.” He held his hand out for the small boy, marveling at how tiny it was as Noya placed it in his palm. Asahi engulfed it tenderly, watching Noya for a moment before he looked up expectantly at Asahi. “Okay, I guess I’ll lead the way.” 

-

Asahi dug around Noya’s bag for the house key, his tongue poking out from between his lips as he did so. As soon as he unlocked the door and pushed it open, Nishinoya bounded inside, kicking off his shoes clumsily before running down the hallway and into his room. Asahi called after him, letting out a small sigh before he placed the bags on the ground, untied his shoes, pulled them off, and set them next to the door. 

He trailed after Noya, following him into his room. As he came to stand in the doorway, he was surprised to see that Noya was already rooting around his room in an uncoordinated manner, looking for toys and things to entertain him. Asahi smiled slightly, watching him bumble around. It was fascinating how different he had become in only a matter of moments, but Asahi quite enjoyed this new side of his friend. 

“We should get you cleaned up first,” the tall boy said after a moment of spectating, seemingly catching Noya by surprise. 

His eyebrows knitted together and a determined look twisted itself onto his features. “But I wan’ play.” He pouted, gripping a toy car in his right hand tightly. 

“You can afterwards, Noya,” Asahi replied, trying to keep his tone firm but failing miserably. He watched as Nishinoya deflated slightly. “Come ‘ere.” He outstretched his arms, slight guilt tinging his tone. Noya came toddling over to him, looking up at him with huge amber eyes. He latched on to one of Asahi’s arms and in response, Asahi smiled and began to lead him into the bathroom that was just outside of his room. 

He lifted Noya up onto the counter and pulled a wash rag from the bathroom closet, dampening it slightly under the sink. Dried blood was stuck to Noya’s pale skin, just under his chin, trailing down his neck slightly, and his hands and knees were dirty from the numerous times that he had fallen. 

Carefully, Asahi began to wipe the blood away, then he folded the rag and began to wipe the dirt that had been pressed into his skin. He certainly looked beat up. His face was scratched up from the concrete, along with his knees and elbows, and his hair was more mussed than usual. Not to mention, Asahi was sure some bruises were bound to form on his skin from the fall that he had taken in the gymnasium. And sure, that was nothing new, but it wasn’t like he liked to see them on Noya anyway. 

He had always found himself wishing that the small boy would be more careful with himself. He wasn’t invincible, and if anyone knew that well, it was Noya himself, but he ignored every warning and worried glance that Asahi had ever given him. He was just reckless like that (which was sort of admirable in a reckless way, but Asahi chose not to linger on that frustrating fact.) 

Once Noya was cleaned up, Asahi began to root around the cabinets looking for band aids. After a few moments, he found himself to be successful in his venture. He pulled a box of colourful bandages from the very back of one of the cabinets. 

Turning around, Asahi eyed the box, smiling slightly. The box advertised that the band aids came in a variety of different bright colours and fun designs, some with dinosaurs, some with airplanes, and some with puppies that had little dark patches of fur in all the right places to make them look awfully adorable. 

Asahi straddled Noya, crouching down a little so that he could properly place the bandages on him. Being as careful as possible, he placed one on the wound on his chin, one on his left elbow, and one on each of his knees, making sure that they were all pressed to his skin as securely as possible. He didn’t want him to get scraped up any further. 

“Done?” Noya asked, his tiny voice making Asahi’s mind go blank for a quick second before he nodded. 

He wondered vaguely as he was pulling Noya down from the bathroom counter if the boy knew the effect that he tended to have on Asahi. Really, it wasn’t fair. Asahi was a thousand percent sure that he had never made anyone feel the way that Noya made him feel, which kind of sucked. Well, no, it really sucked. Especially when the boy that he was so hopeless for was pretty hopeless for someone else. And a girl, no less. 

Asahi was pulled from his reverie when he felt gentle tugging on the hem of his shirt and looked down to see Noya staring at him intensely. He laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. God, he really needed to get it together. At this point, it was just plain embarrassing. 

“Sorry, Noya,” he apologized bashfully. “Come on, let’s go play.” 

-

Asahi didn’t exactly know how to play with Noya. The memories of his youth that his mind held were hazy, blurry, and nondescript. He had long since forgotten what toys he used to play with and how, or if his imagination had ever been any good. But the thing was, Noya was looking at him with such earnestness as he pressed a toy car into the palm of his oversized hand and asked him in that squeaky little voice of his to play. 

“O-oh.” Asahi stuttered. “Sure.” _Though I won’t be any good at it_ , he thought, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth so that he could nibble at his nervously. He began to hesitantly roll the car across the floor, but Noya caught him by surprise, ramming his own car into Asahi’s and creating an explosion sound effect with his mouth. “Noya,” Asahi said after a moment, fondness absolutely dripping from his tone. He honestly could’ve laughed at just how _Nishinoya_ that was. Ah, crashing toy cars, he couldn’t think of any other way that the boy would play. 

For about thirty minutes this is how things went. Noya made the cars explode and roll up Asahi’s shoulders and legs. He made them race and pushed them around his room pretty relentlessly until he stopped for a moment to yawn and rub his eyes, a little red truck gripped in his hand. 

“Tired?” Asahi asked. He had noticed how Noya’s mannerisms had changed slightly. He was blinking more and his pace had slowed down a little. Not to mention there were points in time when he had paused what he was doing to space out for a moment before he continued playing like normal. 

“Nuhuh,” Noya replied, shaking his head, but his body betrayed him by making him yawn once more. 

Asahi smiled softly, “Are you sure, Noya?” 

Noya looked thoughtful for a moment before crawled over to Asahi and plopped himself down in his lap, pressing his face into his shoulder. “No,” he mumbled, wrapping his arms around Asahi’s neck. He was so warm, and Noya was so tired.

And Asahi, well, he knew good and well that he shouldn’t be relenting to himself like this, but how could he not when Nishinoya was clinging to him like he was, letting out little soft puffs of warm air against his neck. Really he was so hopeless, and if Suga or Daichi knew what was taking place currently, he was sure that they would be stifling laughter, but for just a moment he didn’t want to have to worry about all those stupid things. He just wanted to revel in how he could feel Noya’s heart beat softly, and feel his skin against his own. 

The moment was over just as soon as it had begun, though, because soon he was tucking Noya into his bed and Noya was clinging to a fuzzy green dragon stuffed animal instead of him. Asahi needed to set boundaries anyway, so this was probably all the best. After all, it would be great if he didn’t lose himself to Nishinoya completely. But then, as he went to go and sit in the corner of Noya’s room and fiddle with his phone, Noya reached out and balled up a fair amount of fabric from his shirt in his fist.

“Don’ go,” Noya whined, his face scrunching up in displeasure. His arm tightened around his stuffed animal. 

“I’m not going to, I’m just going to go sit in the corner,” Asahi explained. 

“Nuhuh,” Noya shook his head, tugging on Asahi’s shirt. “Wan’ you.” He jutted out his bottom lip, pouting. 

“O-oh. Um.” Asahi didn’t know quite how to react to that. Part of him was ready to do something immensely stupid like crawl into bed next to Noya and pull his small frame into his arms, but the other part of him knew that he’d probably only end up kicking himself for doing that later on. “Here,” Asahi said after a moment, extending his arm to Noya. Immediately, Nishinoya wrapped his arms around the little bit of Asahi that he could have, his stuffed animal falling to the side, discarded. He supposed that if this was all of Asahi that he was going to get, then he was going to have to deal with it. It was just going to have to be enough. 

And for the most part, it was. He was lulled to sleep quickly, cuddling Asahi’s arm with his entire life force. 

And it was enough for Asahi, too. Enough for him to slip just a little deeper into his feelings for Nishinoya, which was, quite frankly, tragic. 

-

Noya started awake no more than an hour after he had drifted off to sleep, his eyes popping open as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. For a moment, he couldn’t remember how he had gotten back into his room, but then it all came rushing back and his eyes were drawn to someone, a person sitting in the corner of his room, curled in on themself, their eyes glued to their cell phone. 

Ah, _Asahi,_ he thought dimly. And then, _Ah! Asahi!_ followed that, along with a string of _no no no_ s. 

He had slipped. He had regressed and Suga knew, but Asahi also knew and that was a million times more embarrassing and devastating. 

“Oh, Noya, you’re awake,” Asahi said after a moment, lifting his gaze from his phone. “Are you---” 

“Shut up!” Noya blurted impulsively, immediately regretting it as confusion snapped across Asahi’s face. “I mean---I---” he cut himself off, letting out a panicked breath, racking through his memories. Asahi hadn’t seemed to be weirded out by his regression, but he might’ve just been pretending. Maybe, on the inside, he was secretly disgusted and just too nice to let Noya know the truth. 

Carefully, Asahi stood up, not quite sure of what headspace Noya was in in the current moment. “Are you alright?” he questioned, pocketing his phone. 

“I---I---” Nishinoya looked away, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. His palms felt sweaty and he sort of wanted to throw up. He hadn’t told _anyone_ about his regression and he hadn’t planned to, but he just _had_ to slip up and worry everyone around him. God, he could be such a fuck up sometimes. And it was pathetic how little control he had over himself. 

“Nishinoya?” 

Noya started, not realizing how close Asahi had gotten to him. He was crouching next to his bed, frowning as worry pooled in his deep, chocolatey eyes. “Um,” Noya said dumbly, curling his fingers around his sheets. “I’m sorry,” he choked out after a few seconds. 

“Sorry?” Asahi inquired. 

Noya swallowed, not wanting to elaborate more, but God, Asahi could be so clueless sometimes. “For making you deal with me.” 

For a moment, Noya thought that Asahi almost looked angry with him, but the expression melted away as quickly as it had come. “ _Deal with you_ ?” he questioned, tone incredulous. “Noya, I _enjoy_ spending time with you.” 

“Yeah but,” Noya gestured wildly, making a frustrated noise. Embarrassment was still burning at his cheeks and making his stomach churn. More than anything, he wanted to go back in time and slap his past self for being so stupid and reckless. And not to mention how he had pouted at Asahi until he had given him his arm to cuddle--- _God,_ he was stupid. So _Stupid._

“Hey,” Asahi began softly, trying to make his tone as soothing as possible. “I’m not gonna like...tell anyone, you know. You don’t have to worry about that. Suga won’t either.” 

Noya stared past him blankly, trying to find it in himself to breathe properly and not absolutely freak out. “Okay.” 

“Please don’t beat yourself up over this,” Asahi frowned, brushing a bunch of loose strands of hair behind his ear.  
  
“I---” Noya began, but he didn’t know what else to say. The sentence deadended and he slumped forward, his thoughts coming to a halt. 

“Noya,” Asahi said, catching Noya’s gaze. “I didn’t mind. Really. I...I kind of liked taking care of you,” he ducked his head as his cheeks darkened with warmth and colour, and a small smile tugged at his lips. Mentally, he replayed how Noya had hugged him so tightly, how he had rolled those tiny toy cars up and down his arms, giggling quietly to himself. 

Nishinoya blinked, his mind blanking. “Oh.” He replied flatly, swallowing thickly. He still felt embarrassed and a little nauseous but he supposed that this reaction wasn’t all that bad. 

“Yeah, I mean, it’s cute.” Asahi continued, wringing his hands bashfully. 

“ _Oh.”_

“Er---I mean---” Asahi’s head shot up and he began to wave his hands around frantically. He had probably overstepped his boundaries, and plus, Nishinoya already looked pretty uncomfortable. He didn’t want to make him feel worse. “Um.” 

For a moment, silence settled between the two boys, then, they both let out a simultaneous breath. 

“Were the guys worried?” Noya asked hesitantly, scanning Asahi’s face with his own features twisted up into something unreadable. 

Asahi shifted, lowering himself onto his knees. “A little, but Suga calmed them down. I think they knew that you’d be alright. You always tend to bounce back pretty quick.” He laughed dryly. Then, once more, the two lapsed into silence and Asahi was beginning to worry. Noya wasn’t the type of person to stay quiet for so long. Usually he was loud and bursting at the seams with things to say and uninhibited energy. “Noya, are you okay?” 

Noya sighed, looking off to the side. “I’m fine, I guess,” and that wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth. Really, Noya felt _weird_ having thrust something like his regression onto Asahi as he had. And he knew that Asahi hadn’t really seemed to mind, but still, doubts were floating around his mind, bouncing off of the walls of his skull rapidly. 

“Have you ever had anyone, um, take care of you before? Is that it?” Asahi questioned, his soft eyes going wide with consideration. “I guess I could’ve left you alone, but Suga said---” 

“No!” Noya interrupted, looking a little panicked. He didn’t want Asahi to feel any worse than he possibly already did. Noya knew how his friend’s thoughts tended to spiral. “You were fine. Really.” He shifted, placing his hands in his lap and intertwining them. “It’s just that no one’s really...seen that side of me before. And it’s nowhere close to how I normally act.” He explained, his voice low. 

“Well that’s okay, Noya.” Asahi patted his shoulder gently, smiling. “We all have different sides of ourselves.”  
  
Nishinoya scoffed, and he sort of wanted to laugh. As far as he knew, Asahi had one side: Soft. That was it; he couldn’t be anything but. 

“What?” Asahi asked, eyeing Noya skeptically. 

“Nothing, Asahi-san,” and Noya smiled, his eyes shining in a fiery manner like they tended to do. Big Noya was back and he was glad. There was no way that he was going to slip up like that again. Never ever. 

_Never._

-

The boy’s had had a particularly hard round of practice a couple days later. The intensity of their training was beginning to skyrocket as each of the members truly found their footing within the group and the desire to get better grew. Even Tsukishima, who was perhaps the most apathetic and stoic out of the entire bunch, had had some sort of fire ignited in him, though no one knew where it had come from and everyone was too afraid to ask. 

Because of the strenuous activity, Suga had kindly offered to invite the boys to sleep over after practice. They could munch on the delectable food that his mother would surely prepare, watch a few movies, chat, and then crash as hard as they could. After all, Suga reasoned, it was Friday, they didn’t have school the next day so they could stay up as late as they wanted, blowing off steam. 

This was convincing enough for Hinata, who immediately grew eager at the thought of spending further time with his team. Kageyama had begrudgingly agreed to tag along at the pleading request of his fiery haired friend (though everyone could see in his eyes that he was quite reluctant about it all.) Most of the team opted out, though, leaving only Hinata, Kageyama, Daichi, Asahi, Nishinoya, and a very enthusiastic Yamaguchi to unwind at Suga’s place. 

“Buzzkills,” Suga scoffed, crossing his arms as he watched Tsukishima and Tanaka depart the gymnasium. 

  
Next to him, Daichi laughed, giving him a hardy pat on the shoulder. “Ah, they don’t mean anything by it.”  
  
“And besides---!” 

Suga stiffened in surprise as Nishinoya came bounding up behind him. Just as Daichi had done, he patted Suga’s back, but much harder. A red sting spread across Sugawara’s skin beneath his jersey and he flinched. 

“I’m going to be there!” Noya finished, grinning widely. He balled up his hands into fists and placed them on his hips, looking absolutely triumphant for no reason. 

“God Noya,” Suga eyed his short friend, rubbing his back where Noya had slapped him. He felt sore. 

Noya pouted, “Whimp.” He retorted quickly, and from next to Suga, Daichi shook his head and let out a small, breathless laugh. Then, Noya’s eyes lit up brightly with a thought---no, an idea. And a great one, too! “We should have a horror movie marathon!” He suggested, clasping his hands together with zeal. 

Sugawara placed a finger on his chin, looking thoughtful for a moment. “That’s actually not a bad idea, Noya.” The two bonded over their love for all things creepy and disturbing after finding that most other people were put off with the fascination. One of Noya’s first memories of spending time with Suga was when they were talking animatedly about a horror movie that had come out. They both fought tooth and nail to see since it was rated R 18+, but had managed to do so, nonetheless, due solely to their shared trait intensity and persistence. “Okay, then,” he decided after a moment. “A horror movie marathon it is!” 

And from the corner, Asahi, who was packing up his stuff visibly gulped. 

_Why, Noya?_ he thought with a frown. He loved the kid, he really did, but he was much more of a softie than anyone else on the team (which was quite the juxtaposition to his appearance.) He couldn’t even squash a bug without bursting into tears, let alone watch a movie intended to scare him and make him feel uneasy. The worst part was the fact that he had already agreed fervently to the fact that he would indeed be there, especially after most of the team had brushed Sugawara off. 

“Oh well,” Asahi sighed to himself softly. _You’ll just have to deal with it; how bad can it be?_

-

Outside, a storm was raging, tearing through trees with whipping wind. Asahi’s heart rate sped up as a shock of lightning split the sky in two brightly and jaggedly, and then was followed up by the low roar of thunder. 

It had been the perfect night to binge watch horror movies which had made the other boys quite happy, but the storm had only heightened Asahi’s anxiety. Throughout the three movies that they had watched, he had hid behind pillows, blankets, and even Kageyama once, but his effort to shield himself from any upsetting images had proved to be futile as, now, while lying on his futon, staring up at the ceiling with his heart in his throat, he was effectively very scared. 

Another loud crack sounded, this one causing Asahi to shoot up into a sitting position. His hands gripped relentlessly at the sheets and he began to breathe heavily. Up until now, he had been pretending to be asleep so as to not alert Noya of his fear. Now, though, he couldn’t hide anymore; he was simply brimming with unease. 

Really, it was embarrassing. At his age he shouldn’t be so much of a coward that he couldn’t even sit through a couple of scary movies with his friends without disquietude burrowing into his skin. _But---_

“Asahi-san?” 

Noya’s voice pulled Asahi from the depth of his thoughts, and he blinked a couple of times, his eyes focusing. His chest was heaving at this point, and he hadn’t even noticed that he had begun to hyperventilate, but Noya had, which was possibly more embarrassing than his irrational fear of pretty much everything. 

See, Asahi cared about what Noya thought, because he cared about Noya. Ever since the first day that the two had met, he had been fascinated by the little firecracker of a person. How he could be so fearless and impulsive and cool all at the same time. How he’d roll across the court and practically break bones just to keep the ball in the air. He was _incredible_ , and well, Asahi was very much not. 

“Y-yeah?” Asahi stuttered out after a moment.  
  
The dim, washed out light that had been shining onto Noya’s face from his phone screen blinked away and Asahi watched as Noya’s dark figure shifted. He watched as his friend crawled around Hinata and Kageyama and then planted himself on his futon, looking up at him with his brow furrowed and his lips twisted into a frown. 

“Are you okay?” Noya asked, looking very purposeful for some reason. 

Asahi looked away, staring down at the blanket that was bunched up across his lap. He inhaled shakily, tensing up slightly as the storm outside worsened. “F-fine.” His voice cracked, and he cringed at himself. Why was he always so lame around Noya?  
  


Nishinoya leaned forward, staring at him in disbelief. “Are you _sure_?” he pressed. 

“Uh---well---” Asahi cut himself off, clearing his throat. “I guess I’m just a little tense.” He squeaked out, his shoulders rising up. 

“Scared?” Noya asked.  
  
“No,” Asahi replied quickly. Then, he frowned. “Okay, maybe a little.” He lifted his hands, pressing them to his face, trying to hide from Noya as best as he could. The embarrassment was burning inside him hotly, eating him up. “I just---what’s the point of watching something that’s _supposed_ to scare you?” he mumbled into his hands.

Thunder rolled deeply from somewhere in the distance. 

“Well,” Noya shifted so that he was sitting with his legs crossed. “I like how it makes me feel.” He explained, watching Asahi carefully. His hair was down from its usual bun, cascading down his shoulders and falling onto his back. Every once in a while, the moonlight shining through the window in Suga’s room would hit it and it would look as though it was spun silver. Noya sort of wanted to reach out a run his fingers through it, or braid it, or maybe--- 

_Oh shit,_ Noya thought, realizing that Asahi was staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. He cleared his throat, starting up once more. “Plus, it’s kind of cool to be able to get scared by something that you know won’t _actually_ hurt you.” He finished, his eyes roaming Asahi’s tightly wound face. 

“I guess,” Asahi replied, sounding less than convinced. He paused, then asked, “Is it stupid?”

“Is what stupid?” 

“That I’m so...scared of everything?” he finished, letting shoulders slump forward. Noya was so cool and fearless...he...he wished that he could be more like him. Or more like anyone else, really. 

Just then, Noya laughed, the mirth shattering the silence and sounding a little out of place in the room. “You’re such a dork, Asahi-san!” And one of Noya’s fists playfully connected with Asahi’s shoulder, bruising it with slight pain. 

“Oh,” Asahi said, sounding a little deflated. 

Noya continued, not hearing Asahi’s sad remark. “But that’s what I like about ‘cha.” He finished quite resolutely, smiling widely.

Asahi perked up at this, livening up a little. He had always hated how much of a weakling he tended to be, but no matter what he tried to do, he couldn’t man up and face his fears---or even things that simply made him uncomfortable. But, here Nishinoya was complimenting him on these traits; he couldn’t help but feel his heart flutter. Noya was always so good to him---too good probably. No, most definitely, Asahi decided then and there. Noya was too good for him. Too good for _anyone_ really. 

“Well, thanks, Noya.” Asahi replied finally, feeling quite bashful. He was lucky that it was pretty dark in the room because he was blushing like a maniac. 

“Hey,” Noya said after a beat of silence. He shifted, “Mind if I sleep next to you tonight?” 

“O-oh.” Asahi stuttered, his cheeks darkening in colour further. His mind flashed back to only a couple of days ago when Noya had been clinging to him in a far too endearing manner. “Sure. If you want.” And Asahi had pretty much expected Noya to pull his futon and blankets over to where Asahi’s was placed. After all, that was certainly the logical conclusion. But, within seconds, Noya was leaping under the sheets of Asahi’s futon, squeezing himself beside Asahi with a beaming grin on his face. And much like what had happened with the whole movie night ordeal, Asahi had already agreed, there was no backing out now.

Though, this was pretty different considering that Asahi didn’t particularly mind sleeping next to Noya, he just knew that he should keep his distance before he spiraled further into his feelings for the small boy---which had been quite easy to do lately, he reminded himself, somewhat bitterly. 

It was hard knowing that there was little to no chance that any feelings he harbored would be reciprocated, and it hurt him to continue to do little affectionate things like this with Noya when he knew he couldn’t have him in full, but Noya was just so hard to keep away from and say no to. Really, it wasn’t _fair_. But, then again, life never seemed to give a damn about niceties like fairness. 

“Mm,” Noya mumbled, “you’re warm.” 

Asahi could feel him scoot closer, then turn on his side and wrap his arms around Asahi’s arm. 

“Don’t be scared anymore, okay?” he told Asahi firmly. 

“O-okay.” Asahi replied, and he could feel Noya’s breath ghosting warmly against his skin. He could feel his heartbeat against his arm and hear his breathing relax as he dozed off into a light, dreamless sleep. 

And, there life went again, not being fair. But Asahi almost couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

-

Things had been steadily getting worse, and Noya was at a loss. Sometimes, he tried to talk to his mother about it all, but his voice would always waver and die in his throat under her strong, judgemental gaze. He had been struggling for years, and sometimes things got better, but mostly they tended to get worse, leaving Noya scrambling for answers as to how he could fix the broken mess that was himself. 

He hadn’t ever been able to find any. 

Lately, it was his insomnia that was dragging him down, along with his shockingly low self esteem. He hadn’t been able to get much sleep in the past couple weeks, effectively making his self loathing spiral into an entity more vicious and cruel than usual. 

He had managed to make it through the school day by zoning out the whole time and pretending that he was back in his bedroom, tucked away in the warmth of his bed. He had daydreamed about taking a hot, relaxing shower, or watching one of his favourite shows to his heart's content, or maybe even drifting off into a nap, though he knew the last one was pretty much a long shot. 

Practice today had been canceled due to the gym needing to be deep cleaned by the janitorial staff, and Noya was firmly grateful for that fact. Vaguely, he imagined another embarrassing scenario where he ended up regressing during practice once more, only, everyone on the team found out about _what_ he was and was disgusted with him, locking him out of the gym and leaving him to fend for himself. Even Asahi. 

Dryly, Noya laughed. Why did he think about things that would only further his bad mood? 

“Noya!” someone called out from behind the small boy, causing him to stiffen with surprise. He turned around, relaxing slightly when he saw Hinata running up to him eagerly, a bright, wide smile stretched across his face. Behind him trailed Asahi. 

Noya forced a smile onto his face, hoping that he didn’t look too fed up and exhausted. “Hey, Hinata!” he greeted, doing his best to ooze cheerfulness, though he could tell that it wasn’t all that convincing by the way that Asahi eyed him. Hinata didn’t seem to notice, though. 

“I wanted to go to the store,” Hinata began, “and Asahi said it was on your way home, so we should just walk with you!” 

Noya glanced at Asahi, who in return just smiled softly and shrugged. “Okay,” Noya said after a moment. And it _was_ okay, he supposed. He could stand to spend a little bit of time with Hinata, even if fatigue was drilling itself into his body and clouding his mind. 

The three set off walking, Hinata doing most of the talking in the conversation that was struck up. Every once in a while, Noya chimed in with something to make the younger boy laugh, but other than that, he stayed mostly quiet, ignoring all of the worried glances that Asahi had been sending his way. 

He didn’t want anyone to ask any questions, he just wanted to get home and lay down. 

Once the boys arrived at the convenience store, Hinata bounded off some random aisle, chattering about how he needed snacks to study properly. Noya dipped into an aisle, too, losing both of his friends, allowing him to let out a tired breath. It wouldn’t be much longer until he was home; he was sure that he could stand it. 

After squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, he opened them, coming face to face with possibly one of the softest looking stuffed animals that he had seen in awhile. Noya glanced around him, realizing that he had walked into an aisle filled with children’s toys by accident. After a second, he returned his gaze to the stuffed animal. 

It was a bunny with floppy limbs, gentle white fur, and long ears that were pink on the inside. It had two little shiny beads for eyes and a small, triangular pink nose. And oh, how Noya _wanted_ , which was possibly one of the worst things about having that side to him. He was exactly like a child was when he saw something that he simply longed for, even if it was something stupid and insignifcant like a stuffed animal. 

The thing was just so soft and cute that Noya couldn’t help but take it into his hands and jut his bottom lip out into a pout. He couldn’t buy the thing; he had spent all of his monthly allowance on candy the day after he had gotten it, but he wanted it _so bad_. 

Worst of all, though, he felt himself begin to slip, so with that realization he put the bunny back on the shelf. Yeah, there was no way he wanted to end up regressing around Hinata. Then he would _definitely_ know that something was up---

“Do you want it?” Asahi’s gentle voice brought Noya’s thoughts to a halt. 

Noya hadn’t even realized that his friend had been standing next to him, he was that spaced out, which meant that he was acting more out of it than he had thought he was. 

“No, I was just---” _Staring at it longingly_ , Noya finished mentally. “Um.” He had nothing to say, really, because he did want it. So bad that he itched with the need to feel it in his hands once more, to carry it around everywhere he went, to curl up with it at night. _Yes_ , he wanted it. 

“Noya?” Asahi pressed innocently, “I’ll get it for you, you know.” He offered gently, looking down on the smaller boy. He watched him carefully, noticing how his mannerisms were beginning to change slightly, much like they had on the day when Asahi had first seen his little side. 

“No, Asahi-san, you don’t have to,” Nishinoya looked away quickly, but he could still feel Asahi’s gaze on him. In a cloudy sort of way, he wondered if Asahi knew the effect that he tended to have on Noya. He made him feel _too_ comfortable, like if he didn’t watch himself, he would accidentally spill all of his guts to the taller boy. 

“But I want to,” Asahi replied firmly, taking the stuffed animal in his hands. He studied it for a moment before he handed it to Noya. “Hinata’s pretty much done, anyway.” 

And, oh, Hinata. Noya had almost forgotten about him. He shook his head in response. “Yeah, but, I don’t want him to see---” 

“You can just put it in your bag,” Asahi offered as a solution, looking so genuine that it almost hurt. “Come on, Noya, let me. As a thank you for the other night.” 

“Oh,” Noya shifted on his feet. He was too tired to fight it anymore. Too tired to talk. “Okay. Fine.” He relented, blinking a couple of times. His eyes burnt with a severe lack of sleep. 

Asahi smiled gently, putting a hand on the small of his back so that he could lead him over to the checkout area. Noya knew that he could tell how worn out and spent he was, but he wasn’t sure that he minded anymore. He didn’t have the energy to battle with himself any further. He just wanted to go home and pass out. 

After the purchase was made, Asahi helped Noya hide the stuffed animal in his bag, assuring him that it was okay, Hinata wouldn’t notice. Noya was going to be okay. And Noya couldn’t find it in himself to be convinced---but just about the last part. Because Hinata _hadn’t_ seemed to notice. He had blabbered on, business as usual, until they reached Noya’s house. 

“Goodbye!” Hinata waved rapidly, his whole body shaking with the motion. He was parting ways with both Asahi and Noya, as Asahi only lived a couple of houses down from Noya. 

“Bye!” Noya called out, pushing himself onto his toes for a minute before he felt his body grow weak. Even that level of exertion was too much for him at this point. 

“Goodbye, Hinata!” Asahi waved back at Hinata, smiling in the small, soft way that he tended to. He watched the bright haired boy walk off for a moment before he turned to Noya, watching him with careful, attentive eyes. 

“I’m fine,” Noya said before he could ask anything. “Really. Just a bit under the weather is all.” 

“Okay,” Asahi didn’t look convinced by his shitty explanation, though. “Do you want me to come in with you?” 

Noya scoffed, shoving Asahi goodnaturedly. “You don’t have to baby me.” He forced a wobbly smile onto his face, hoping that it would dissipate some of his friend’s worry. “Really, I’m fine.” 

“Okay,” Asahi said once more. He glanced off to the side for a moment before he said, “Text me, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Noya agreed. 

Once he stepped into the house, relief washed over him. He felt a plethora of things, and he sort of wanted to scream and cry and punch something. Maybe hurt himself, too. But instead of doing all of those things, he opted to run to his room, slam the door shut, and flop onto his bed. After a moment, he dug around in his bag for the bunny. Once he found it, he threw his bag off to the side and hugged the thing for dear life, warm tears slipping from his eyes. 

He hadn’t slept at all since he had fallen asleep next to Asahi, and that had been three days ago. His entire body ached with the simple need for rest, but no matter how hard he tried, he never got it.

Really, it was pathetic how much of a mess he was. He always tried to put on a strong mask. He had crafted this persona that could fool pretty much anyone with its strength, but now it was cracking and falling away. 

_Maybe I should just be honest with everyone_ , Noya thought for a moment before he pushed the thought away, a grimace tangling itself up in his features. No, he didn’t want to drag down any of his teammates with his petty emotions and weird habits. And besides, they’d surely all think less of him after hearing the truth, anyway. That was something that he didn’t quite want to risk. 

He could just see the disgust on Tanaka’s face, or Kageyama’s. And he could just _hear_ how Tsukishima would relentlessly tease him. No, see, it wasn’t worth it, and he knew that. It had been a stupid thought anyway. 

In a fit of frustration at his own stupid mind, Nishinoya let out a screech, his throat feeling terribly raw and sore. So much emotion was building up inside of him, bubbling up painfully, and he didn’t know where to put it. He sat up fretfully, clawing at the sides of his face for a moment before he moved down to scratch at his legs, leaving red, angry marks trailing up the whole of them. 

_I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to,_ his mind jumbled with these words, causing him to reel mentally. It was like the itch he had felt in the convenience store, but worse. It was more self-destructive. 

He hadn’t done _it_ in a while. In fact, he had been making progress; it had been months. Three to be exact. But he had never thrown out his blade, no matter how much he knew he should. The regression helped, but sometimes he didn’t _want_ to regress. Sometimes he wanted to _feel._

Feel something seething and angry, stinging at his skin, grounding him. It was terrible how clear his mind grew after he partook in such pathetic acts, but sometimes it was all he could do to make himself feel better. 

-

Noya gripped at his bag uselessly, ducking his head down as he made his way over to where Asahi was sitting with Sugawara and two other third years that he didn’t know. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth nervously, biting down on it hard as he slid onto the bench next to Asahi, effectively surprising his friend who was just trying to enjoy his lunch. Quickly, he pressed his face into Asahi’s shoulder, leaning all of his weight on him. 

“Oh!” the girl that Asahi was sitting next to let out in surprise, eyeing Noya in confusion. The boy she was sitting next to looked a bit uncomfortable, as if he had just witnessed something too intimate for his liking.

“Nishinoya?” Asahi questioned quietly, lowering his head down so that his lips were next to Noya’s ear. 

Noya just wanted sleep, was all, and he hated that he had to explain because, really, he was too tired to. But, see, he hadn’t been able to sleep since that night where he had been pressed up against Asahi, basking in his warmth and comfort. So Noya just figured that, hey, if he had been able to sleep then, then Asahi was the variable that he needed. And plus, he was severely desperate so it was certainly worth a try. 

“Sleep,” was all that Noya said, and it had come out muffled by Asahi’s shirt and little wobbly. 

Asahi was still visibly confused but he relented, shifting his position slightly. He moved so that his arm was wrapped around Noya and Noya’s face was pressed against his chest. Immediately, Noya felt himself relax and his eyelids get heavier than they had been before. Any amount of tenseness inside of him had been drained from his body and his mind began to drift off. 

“Aw,” the girl across from Asahi, Kobayashi, smiled slightly, her eyes shining with pity and something else that Asahi just couldn’t place. “The poor thing looks exhausted.”  
  
“Y-yeah,” Asahi choked out, his face going bright red. He was trying his best to will himself to not blush so much but it was _hard_ when Noya was snuggled up against him and there were two onlookers that he didn’t quite know well enough for this. And also _Suga_ , who was holding back a devious, chaotic grin. 

Kobayashi leaned forward, tucking a long blonde strand of hair behind her ear. She held her chin in her hand as her eyes sparkled. “It must be nice to be in a relationship,” she sent a fleeting yet suggestive glance to the boy next to her. “How long have you guys been together?” 

Asahi’s breath caught in his throat and his eyes widened. “No, no! We---we aren’t together.” He flushed an even darker shade of red and looked off to the side awkwardly. “We’re just good friends.” And his heart ached in his chest at that. He wished that she had been right---wished that Noya would see him as something else; something _more_. But, well, that just wasn’t all that realistic. 

_He’s too good for you_ , rang around Asahi’s head for a moment before he squashed the thought and looked over at Sugawara, who looked like he was getting a kick out of the entire situation. 

“Oh please,” Suga waved a hand, smiling, “you’ve been pining after him ever since you two met.” 

“S-Suga!” Asahi squeaked out, glancing down at Noya nervously. He didn’t stir. 

“Relax. He’s asleep.” Suga rolled his eyes goodnaturedly. “Anyway, when are you going to tell him, huh? I mean, look at _you_ . You’re already _whipped._ ”

“I, um---” Once more, Asahi looked away. “I’m not going to, alright?” He squeaked. “Noya just sees me as a friend.” 

“But---” 

“Please,” Asahi’s voice had grown small and shaky, “just drop it.” 

Sugawara relented, but not without sending Asahi a look that he couldn’t quite decipher the meaning of. It was stern, but why? Was he really that bent on seeing Asahi succeed in his romantic endeavors? Why did it even matter that much? 

And anyway, he just wanted to focus on the parts of Noya that he could have, not all the parts that he couldn’t. It was just easier that way. 

-

Asahi shook Noya away some time later. He watched him open his eyes slowly then blink up at him blearily, his features still riddled with sleep and drowsiness. 

“Asahi-san?” he asked, his voice small and a little bit raspy. 

Asahi smiled slightly, and vaguely, he wished that Noya would call him by his given name sometimes, or at least lose the honorific. “How’re you feeling?” 

“Um,” Noya shifted, realizing that Asahi’s arm was wound tightly around his small frame. Then, he blushed, reality setting in. Ah, he had crashed Asahi’s lunch period so that he could take a nap. Shame sparked within him, and he pulled away from his friend, coughing awkwardly. “Fine.” A moment of silence passed, “Listen, Asahi, I’m sorry. It’s just that my insomnia and depression have been _so_ bad lately---I haven’t slept in _four_ days.” He met Asahi’s eyes, and the taller boy looked confused. 

“Insomnia?” Asahi questioned, blinking. 

_Oh._

“Depression?” he continued. 

Right. And there Noya had gone, spilling his guts even when he didn’t mean to. He knew it would happen eventually. 

Nishinoya pushed a smile onto his face and laughed, “I---I didn’t tell you?” No, Noya hadn’t. And he knew that fact good and well. He hadn’t told anyone, save for his mom, who had only replied by saying that he was going to be an adult soon, so he should start acting like one. 

Asahi frowned, his eyebrows pulling together. “No, you didn’t,” and really, he didn’t think that Noya had ever planned on doing so, but he wasn’t about to voice that suspicion. 

“Oh, well---”

“Are you in therapy? On meds?” 

“Um,” Noya’s voice died in his throat. This was a side of Asahi that he didn’t really like to see---when he was _really_ worried and all of his shyness and anxiety dissipated away, replaced promptly by pressed confidence. “Well, no.”  
  
“No to what?” Asahi leaned down slightly, his face knotting together with upset. 

“Well, to both, kind of.” Noya looked away, leaning backwards a little. Ah shit, now he’d gone and done it. First regressing in front of Asahi now _this_. “But it’s okay---” 

Asahi made a whiny, worried sound. “Noya, how is it okay?” 

“I---I don’t know!” It was a rare occurrence when Nishinoya was stuttering and Asahi was not. Neither of them liked this change of pace. After a moment, Asahi slumped forward, looking dejected, and Noya did the same. The smaller boy tangled his hands in the soft fabric of Asahi’s shirt and frowned. “Please don’t be mad,” he begged quietly. 

“I’m not mad,” Asahi sighed, “I just want you to be okay.” 

“But I am.” Noya was most definitely not, but what was one little lie? Especially if it helped Asahi feel better. 

A small, sad smile tugged at Asahi’s lips. “You always act so strong, but you don’t have to, you know.” 

Noya frowned, pressing his head forward into Asahi’s chest. He sort of felt like crying, and also like he never wanted to let go of Asahi ever. He had just been doing what everyone had expected of him---just doing what his mom wanted. Was that really so bad? 

“I just want you to know that I’m here for you, Noya. You can always talk to me about _anything_. Alright?” 

“Okay.” 

Nishinoya closed his eyes as he felt Asahi wrap his arms around him, pulling him close into a hug, one that was warm and engulfing. One that he never wanted to leave, but he had to anyway because they were already thirty minutes late for their classes.

-

“With studying,” Noya clarified, his voice cracking up slightly over the phone. “I need help with studying.”  
  
“Then why didn’t you say that?”

“I did.” 

“No, you just sent me a text saying _I need help._ ”

“Huh,” Noya paused. “I guess I did.” 

Asahi let out a heavy breath, glancing down at his splayed out hand for a moment. He and Daichi had been having lunch at a restaurant, chatting about gleefully inane things when his phone notified him of a text from Noya that sent his heart leaping into his throat, especially given all of their recent conversations and encounters. 

“I would’ve gone to Tsukishima, but I’m pretty sure the guy wants to strangle me, or something. So I was like, hey, who’s the second smartest guy I know? And it was you, so---”  
  
“Listen, Noya, can I call you back later. I’m out right now.” Asahi hunched over, sending an apologetic glance Daichi’s way. In response, the dark haired boy just smiled and waved him off, continuing to munch happily on his food. 

“Ooh!” Noya gasped noisily, “With who? A _girl_? Are you on a date, Asahi-san? Can I be the best man at the wedding?” 

A blush dusted itself across Asahi’s cheeks and he shrunk down on himself even further. “I’m out with Daichi.” 

Noya went silent for a moment before he said, “Oh,” flatly. “Well, I’ll leave you to it, then!”

“Thank you, Noya,” Asahi let out a relieved breath. He didn’t know how much more of Noya’s teasing or chaotic nature he could really take. Though, oddly, he seemed to have a love hate relationship with both of those things. 

Once back from the diner, Asahi shot Noya a text inquiring about when and where he’d like to study, and what subjects, too. Noya replied back that he didn’t really care, and pretty much everything.  
  


_Noya: my moms really getting on my ass abt my grades >:( _

_Asahi: Don’t worry, okay? Do you want to come over later tonight and sleep over?_

_Noya: sure!!!!!!!!_

_Noya: just let me know what time and ill be there!!!!!!_

_Noya: thank you asahi!!!!!!_  
  


A couple of hours later Noya was on the front porch of the Asahi household, gripping onto his small overnight bag excitedly. It had been awhile since he had come over, and he missed it. Asahi’s family had always been exceptionally nice to him, offering him warmth in ways that his own family never had. 

After a moment, Asahi’s father opened the door, welcoming him inside with a bright smile on his face. Like Asahi, he was tall and broad, but he juxtaposed his son by being quite extroverted and outspoken. 

“Azumane will be out soon,” Asahi’s father informed him, and Noya nodded, thanking him for hosting him for the night. 

When Asahi emerged from his room and came to greet him, the first thing that Noya noticed was how uncomfortable he looked. And the second thing he noticed was the reason: His hair. It was down and damp, falling onto his shoulders and in his face slightly. He looked a little embarrassed by it. 

“Hey,” he greeted, shifting slightly. 

“Wow, Asahi-san!” Noya began excitedly, “You look like a Disney prince with your hair down like that!” He remarked, not missing how Asahi turned a bit red at the comment. To himself, he smiled a bit triumphantly, taking a slight pleasure in the reaction that he had elicited. 

“Uh,” Asahi cleared his throat awkwardly, hoping that he didn’t come off too flustered, especially in front of his family who were painfully aware of his hopeless infatuation with Noya. It caused him to be the subject of their teasing most of the time. “Should we get to it, then?” 

Noya grinned up at Asahi, “Yeah!” 

Soon, the two boys found themselves sitting next to each other, leaning over a table filled with papers that had math problems scribbled across them in barely legible handwriting. The TV in front of the table was playing some random TV show, its volume just a low hum, simply because Noya said he couldn’t focus in the bland quiet of the room. 

Nishinoya gripped at his hair. It was flat and falling against his forehead since he hadn’t bothered to spike it up simply to come over to Asahi’s house, and this fact was having a ridiculous effect on Asahi. 

Noya’s hair looked so silken, lying against his forehead, and it made him look so soft in a way that he almost never was. The boy was intense in every sense of the word, an absolute fireball of a person, and Asahi loved that about him. He loved how he simply exuded confidence and could command a room, no matter how large. But. He also loved this side of Noya, and the side of Noya that he’d been getting to see more and more of recently. 

He found him to be _soft_ in a way that made Asahi want to curl around him and hold him in his arms for an eternity. 

“Asahi-san,” Noya whined, shaking Asahi from his thoughts petulantly. “I don’t get it; help me, help me, help _me_ ,” he jutted out his bottom lip into a pout and let out a sharp breath. 

Noya had never been one for academics; that’s why he had just stuck to volleyball. But he supposed that he _did_ need to get his grades back up, however, if Asahi was going to keep zoning out like this then there was no use in even trying because he _certainly_ couldn’t study on his own. His attention span simply wouldn’t allow it. 

“Okay,” Asahi let out a breathy laugh, scooting a bit closer to Noya so that he could properly show him how to work out the problem. “We’re finding the value of x, right?” 

Noya nodded, watching as Asahi rewrote the problem neatly, drawing all of the angles and numbers in as he guided him through it. 

“Well, see this number here?” Asahi pointed to the number ninety-three with the lead of his pencil, and once more, Noya nodded. “We can use this to find the value of x.” 

“How?” Noya asked, feeling the frustration that had been burning in the pit of his stomach melt away. He was finally beginning to understand, and that was new, but then, he supposed that things just made sense around Asahi, even if they never did otherwise. Asahi was just cool like that, and kind of pretty, too, but Noya didn’t want to venture down that train of thought because he was _studying._

“Because,” Asahi explained calmly. “This _is_ the value of x. See, because they’re across from each other.” 

“Oh.” Noya said, feeling quite dumb. It was really that easy? “Man...I’ve been making this way harder than it actually is.” 

Asahi laughed and nodded. “Yeah. You tend to do that.” 

“Hey!” Noya exclaimed, trying his best to feign offense, though he knew that a smile was bound to bleed onto his face, so it was no use. After a moment, he hummed and then stood up abruptly, stretching. “I’ve gotta pee. I’ll be right back.” 

Asahi rolled his eyes, but he smiled. In Noya’s absence, he glanced to the side, noticing that Noya’s bag had been thrown open carelessly. What was more interesting, though, was the fact that sitting inside of it was the bunny that Asahi had bought him only a couple days earlier.

Asahi’s heart swelled with warmth. Had he been carrying the thing around with him? Vaguely, Asahi remembered how he had looked at it while in the convenience store, with such longing in his eyes that, well, it wasn’t like Asahi could just do _nothing_. He had always had a weak spot for Noya, and coupled with the adorable expression that his features had been riddled with, Asahi was left with no choice. And it wasn’t like the taller boy had minded, anyway. He would happily go into debt if it meant Noya was content, but it wasn’t like he had. The stuffed animal had only been fifteen bucks and the look on Noya’s face once he was able to hold it in his hands and call it his own had been, well, pretty much priceless. 

After a moment, Asahi heard Noya emerge from the bathroom. He ripped his gaze away from Noya’s bag, afraid that the younger would be embarrassed by the realization that he had just had. 

Noya smiled, walking over to Asahi. He plopped down, sitting on top of his shins. Only, within a split second, Noya found himself regretting that decision, as his gym shorts rode up and exposed a portion of his bare thighs. Quickly, he scrambled, changing his position, hoping that Asahi hadn’t seen what he probably had. With wide eyes, he stole a glance at Asahi, who had blanched at the sight and _fuck_ , things were just getting worse and worse, weren’t they? 

Noya supposed that he should be used to this fact by now, but he wasn’t. Embarrassment and panic wound its way into his body frightfully, making him feel like he was about to throw up and pass out. 

“Asahi?” Noya tried after a second, his voice small and timid, which was so out of character for him that it made the gravity of the situation sink into Asahi even further. 

It hit him like a freight train. 

“Noya, please tell me that it’s not what I think it is,” Asahi begged. He put his hands on Noya’s shoulders and gripped him tightly---probably too tightly, but it wasn’t like he cared. “Noya, _please.”_

“I---” Noya choked. He didn’t think it would go down like this, because, honestly, he didn’t think he would still be struggling with self-harm at this point in his life. He had always thought that he’d be over it, and maybe Asahi would find one of his scars, and he’d be able to talk about it confidently, happy that that chapter of his life was closed. But. Here Noya was, sixteen years old and still etching pain into his body as if that would make _anything_ better. God, he felt _sick._

“I thought you were going to talk to me about these things,” Asahi said brokenly, his hair falling forward onto his shoulders. And he looked close to crying, too, which made Noya’s heart squeeze painfully in his chest. 

Hot shame wormed into Noya and he felt tears well up in his eyes. He felt disgusted with himself---he _had_ told Asahi that he would talk to him, and yet, here he was, still hiding things, still worrying his best friend to no end. God, he _sucked._

And the thing was, he was about to suck even more because he didn’t know how to deal with this situation. He didn’t know how to _cope_ anymore, and he certainly didn’t want Asahi to be around while he broke down in a fit of self-hatred and disgust. So, he ripped away from Asahi’s grasp, a sick grimace pulling at his lips. 

“Maybe I just didn’t want to, did you ever think of that, huh, Asahi!?” Noya shot back, “It’s not like you have to fucking _baby_ me. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to open up! It’s not like you’re my fucking mom!” 

See, this was all bullshit. Noya _did_ want to open up, he just didn’t know how. After all, when you shut yourself away and put on a brave face for years, you begin to lose that knowledge of how to properly connect with other people. This had died away in Noya long ago, leaving him stranded and alone, longing for someone to crack him open and help him along. He had been quite grateful that the person to do so had been Asahi. But now, here he was, lashing out because he just _didn’t know what to do._

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Noya continued. He reached down for his bag, not even caring enough to zip it up before he stormed off, over to the front door. Asahi followed. 

“Noya, where are you going?” he demanded, feeling anger rise within him, and that was certainly a rare occurrence. He grabbed ahold of the fabric of Noya’s t-shirt, but Noya tore away from his grasp, scowling at him. 

“Get off of me!” he spat, jamming his feet into his shoes. “I’m leaving.” 

Asahi watched helplessly, his expression falling. “Noya,” he tried, but Nishinoya was already swinging the door open angrily, his hand gripping at the wood so hard that his knuckles turned white. Before he could get another word in, the smaller boy slammed it and Asahi felt himself go weak.

As Noya rampaged down the street, hot, angry tears streamed down his face and he held back screams of irritation and exasperation. Why had he done that? Why had he put that hurt look on Asahi’s face? He had only been trying to help, after all, and Nishinoya had pushed him away. No, shoved him away harshly with no regard for how _he_ felt. 

Noya stumbled sideways and he felt his body lurch forward painfully as he began to throw up the contents of his stomach. Really, it wasn’t much of anything. He hadn’t eaten dinner yet---he and Asahi had been planning to do that after they studied---and he hadn’t eaten lunch, either. Regardless of these facts, his throat still burnt harshly as he puked onto the ground, squeezing his eyes shut as he did so. 

Man, he had fucked up so bad. 

-

That night, Asahi called Sugawara in tears, stuttering about things that were practically incomprehensible. 

“Slow down,” Suga said, trying his best to get Asahi to calm down so he could understand the situation. From what he could gather, it involved studying and Noya, but that’s about it. “I can’t understand a thing you’re saying, Asahi.” 

Asahi sniffled, inhaling deeply. He remembered the breathing techniques that his mother had worked on with him for when he was feeling too anxious to move or think properly. _In, one, two three four. Out, five, six, seven, eight. In, one, two, three…_

“Asahi?” 

“Sorry,” Asahi replied after a moment. He blinked tears from his eyes, feeling a little lightheaded. “It’s Noya. He---he stormed out on me while we were studying. He was angry; _really_ angry.” 

“Why’d he storm out?” Suga asked, and Asahi stiffened. How was he supposed to explain without exposing parts of Noya that he wasn’t supposed to?

  
“Uh,” Asahi paused, trying to gather his thoughts, though it was hard as they were all currently jumbled up in his mind. He could barely piece them together. “I found out about something that he didn’t want me to.” 

_“What?”_

“I can’t say. It really upset him, though. And then he went on this rant---” he choked out a sob. “---on this rant about how I was forcing him to open up to me when he wasn’t ready and---” another sob, “---Suga, I think it’s true. I think I was pushing him too much, even though I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to _help._ ” He cried, wrapping himself up in his arms, feeling small and pathetic. How had he hurt the person he loved so _much_?

After a moment, Suga’s gentle voice chimed in. “Asahi, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he soothed. “You were just trying to help.” 

“But---” 

“You were just trying to _help_.” Sugawara repeated firmly, cutting him off. “And besides, you know how Noya gets sometimes...I doubt he really meant any of what he said. Maybe you just need to give him some time to cool down.”

  
“Yeah,” Asahi agreed limply. His eyes burnt from crying and he felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically. “I---I guess you’re right…”  
  


“I’m definitely right,” Suga confirmed. “When am I not?” 

This elicited a broken laugh from Asahi, and in response, Suga laughed too. Asahi could tell that he was smiling from over the phone, and that made him smile a little, too. 

“Thanks, Suga.”  
  
“No problem, Asahi.” 

-

It was twelve fifty-seven a.m. when Nishinoya got a text from Sugawara. It made his phone buzz and the screen light up, and for a moment he went tense, quietly hoping that the notification had been from Asahi. His hope was crushed, however, when he read the text itself. 

_Suga: man, u fucked up._

Noya’s stomach dropped and he curled in on himself, locking his phone and throwing it across his room. It hit the wall with a loud smack, and he squeezed his eyes shut, holding the bunny that Asahi had gotten him tightly against his chest. Some part of him feared that this was now all he had left of Asahi anymore. After all that he had put Asahi through, the tall boy probably didn’t even want to continue to be his friend. Noya wouldn’t even want to be his own friend; wouldn’t want to put up with the bullshit that he made Asahi deal with. 

This realization made him let out an agonizing scream. He pressed his face into the soft head of the bunny and screwed his face up, balling his hands into hard fists, his fingernails pressing so hard into the skin of his palms that it hurt. God, why was his entire existence just _pain?_

“Fuck,” Noya cursed breathily, sitting up abruptly. He sniffled, wiping his eyes as tears continued to flow from them freely. “Fuck!” he said once more, though louder this time. From another room, he could hear his mother shout at him to shut up, which caused Noya’s mouth to immediately snap shut. If he continued to piss her off he knew she’d have no reservations about barging into his room to scream at him for keeping her up so late. 

But Noya’s mind was riddled with thoughts, and he couldn’t get it to slow down or focus on just one of them. Everything was moving so fast and then, there was that _urge_ again. The one that Noya was so familiar with. 

Shakily, he pushed himself to his feet, anger coursing through his veins. Oh, how he hated himself. Oh, how he simply _loathed_ himself. He couldn’t stand to be in his own skin, couldn’t stand how his own body felt.

With his thoughts still racing, Noya stumbled over to his dresser, yanking the top left drawer open. He rummaged around it for a moment before his fingers found sharp silver. In one hand, he clutched the bunny. All he had left of Azumane Asahi, his best friend, the person that cared for him the most, and the person he cared for the most. In his other hand, pressed between his thumb and index finger, he held sharpness and pain, but also relief. A sick tool that had been there for him more than he supposed anyone else had. 

It felt hot against his skin, burning through him with all the memories of the times that he had crumbled onto the bathroom floor, trying to claw out his eyes before he connected the blade with his skin and a gruesome sense of calm took over. It was when he cut that he could think. That he could breathe again and feel his head clear, even as his heart pulsed heavily in his chest. 

And it sucked that it was so effective, that even when he had healthy coping mechanisms placed right into the palm of his hand, he fell right back into his old habits, drowning in them willingly. 

With his grip tightening on the bunny, Noya opened his bedroom door quietly, blinking out into the darkness of the hallway. He padded out and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a soft _click_. 

He flicked the lightswitch and light poured into the bathroom, making him squint at the change of pace. His eyes ached painfully in their sockets and he looked down at the blade, rolling it from the tip of his index finger to the palm of his hand. The bathroom light glinted off it, shining back into his eyes, and he frowned. 

Then, Nishinoya let his eyes trail up his arm. The underside was filled with scars that used to be angry and red, but now were flat and pale. They were still very much there, though. He could even count them...one, two, three, four, five, six, seven…

He wondered vaguely if anyone had ever noticed them, but no one had ever commented on them and they were hard to see if you weren’t staring directly at his arm. 

Noya let out a little breath, replaying he and Asahi’s fight over and over in his mind. He felt a warm tear roll down his cheek and he brushed it away quickly. He was tired of crying, especially because this was all his fault, anyway. It wasn’t like he deserved to cry. 

The small boy stepped forward, and some sick part of his mind made a sharp pain rise in the skin on his arms and thighs, where he had stricken wounds into the flesh time after time. Maybe he was subconsciously mocking himself, maybe he just deserved to feel pain. He didn’t know anymore. 

Shakily, Noya closed his hand loosely around the blade, hating himself more than he should for what he was about to do. He lifted the lid of the toilet seat, squeezed his eyes shut, inhaled deeply, opened his hand, and then turned it swiftly so the blade fell in. Then, quickly, before he had the chance to kick himself or regret his choice too much, he flushed the toilet, watching it shoot away. 

The object of so much comfort and pain was gone, just like that. 

And Noya, well, he didn’t know whether or not he should be happy or sad about what he had just done. Mostly, he had done it for Asahi, but then, he supposed that he should stop hurting himself, even if it was nice and easy. Because it certainly _was_ easy to crack another razor open or find a good pair of scissors to use, but the worry that Noya had seen on Asahi’s face earlier in the night, the way that he had looked so dejected, Noya never wanted to see that expression again. And he certainly never wanted to be the cause of it. 

_I’m going to fix things,_ he thought somewhat bitterly, because just like he didn’t know how to open up, he also didn’t know how to piece things back together. Even if he was the one that had broken them in the first place. 

-

“Have you talked to Noya lately?” Suga came up behind Asahi as they walked out of their Japanese class, filing out along with the other students. He tugged on the strap of his bag lightly, squinting at the back of Asahi’s head. “He’s been carrying that stuffed bunny you got him around and looking like he wants to jump off of a bridge.” 

Asahi flinched at Suga’s choice of words. He knew that they hadn’t been purposeful by any means, but it still hurt. He _did not_ want to think about Noya jumping off of a bridge under any circumstances. 

“I haven’t.” Asahi answered as they fell in line, walking to their next class together. He frowned, worrying a stray strand of hair around his finger. It wasn’t like he had reached out to Noya, but Noya had also stopped walking him to his classes and speaking to him at volleyball practice. Then, after a moment, Asahi blinked in surprise, replaying what Suga had told him over in his head. “He’s been carrying around _what?_ ”

Suga’s brows pulled together, confused as to why he had to clarify. “That bunny you bought him at the convenience store. He’s been carrying it around school. I thought you would’ve noticed by now; it’s always in his bag at practice.”

And Asahi kind of wanted to be mad at Noya, because Noya had yelled at him and made him cry, but god, that was just impossibly cute, and he pretty much couldn’t stay mad at Nishinoya no matter what. In fact, the only thing that he found himself being irked at was the fact that he _hadn’t_ seen Noya carrying the thing around. 

“H-how do you know about that?” Asahi asked, a little panicked. He didn’t remember telling Sugawara that he had bought Noya the stuffed animal. 

Suga shrugged, watching his feet as he walked. “Hinata told me about it. Said you guys were acting really weird about it so he didn’t comment on it. He wanted to know if you guys were, like, dating or something and that was why.” He finished, lifting his head to look at Asahi, who stiffened in shock and blushed. 

“Agh!” Asahi spluttered. 

“Relax, I didn’t tell him anything. I just said that Noya was probably embarrassed.” Suga paused. “You know, it’s really cute that you did that for him. You’re such a romantic, Asahi.” He bumped into his tall friend, giggling slightly. 

Asahi blushed. He didn’t want to think about things like _that_ right now, especially because Noya wasn’t even talking to him---er, well, _avoiding_ him was a better way to put it. 

Suga read the look on Asahi’s face and frowned. “You guys are gonna get through this, you know. Don’t worry so much, big guy, alright?” 

“Sure,” Asahi sighed, his shoulders slumping. He couldn’t help but worry, though. Besides volleyball, that was the only thing he was good at. 

But then, look where that had gotten him.

-

Asahi found himself wondering, as he was walking out of his math class with his features tightened and knotted into something stressed, why Nishinoya was clinging to that stupid fucking bunny instead of _him_. After all, he could actually hug Noya back, and provide him with real comfort and warmth.

He _had_ ended up seeing Noya once throughout the school day, walking through the hallway quickly and swiftly with his head ducked down, holding onto his stuffed animal as if for dear life. It was a pitiful sight---a gross departure from how Noya usually acted, and Asahi was shocked to find that he had hated it. 

He figured that he’d find talk to him at practice, though. What did it matter if he couldn’t catch him in the hallway? It was better at practice, anyway. They could talk for longer than a fleeting moment and Asahi could really figure out what the _fuck_ was going on. 

This plan came to a screeching halt, however, when he saw Noya walking past the gym after school, not bothering to veer into it. When the realization that he was walking _home_ set in, Asahi felt heat bubble within him, because, goddamn it! He wasn’t going to let Noya continue to avoid him like this. Not when Asahi would gladly walk through hell and back for him. Not when he’d do anything to make him smile or laugh. Not when he loved him with so much intensity and ferocity that sometimes it made his chest _ache_ with emotion. 

Not when they had gone through so much together, and not when they still had years of life to live together. 

No, Asahi just wouldn’t let this happen. 

“Nishinoya!” Asahi called out, and he watched as Noya’s distant figure looked back with wide eyes and then hunched over, trying to become as small as possible. He jogged towards him, and Noya didn’t move. He simply lowered his head and stared down at his feet. Suga had been right---he _did_ look like he wanted to jump off of a bridge. “Where are you going?” 

Noya shrunk down further, and he looked up at Asahi with these big, watery eyes that made Asahi’s heart rattle around in his ribcage. “Um, home.” He said. 

“ _Home_ !? Noya, you can’t miss out on _practice!_ ” Asahi’s voice sounded too loud for his own liking, but there wasn’t much that he could do to control his emotions. That was so hard around Noya. After a moment, though, he realized that Nishinoya almost looked...frightened, so he clenched his fists and bit back some of the strength from his voice. “Why...why have you been avoiding me?” he asked, looking a little pained.

Tears sprung from Noya’s eyes and his lips wavered. He clutched bunny tightly in his hands, feeling its soft fur soothe him slightly. It didn’t matter if Asahi was standing right in front of him, it still felt like this was all he had left of him. After all, Noya had been terrible to him. He had stormed out of his house when all Asahi had wanted to do was help. If Noya was being honest, he didn’t even _deserve_ to have Asahi in his life anymore.

“I---I thought you didn’t want me anymore!” Noya cried out, his face contorting in shame, his cheeks going warm and red. 

Asahi watched as his mannerisms grew clumsy and sloppy, and he knew that Noya was close to teetering off the edge and into a different type of consciousness, he was that stressed out. “Didn’t want you…?” Asahi repeated faintly, trying to comprehend how anyone could _not want_ Nishinoya. He didn’t think that was even possible---or at least, not for him. 

“I was so bad to you!” Noya continued, wiping away his tears with discoordinated hands. “I was so mean!” he sobbed out, and all Asahi could do was stare at him in disbelief. “All you were trying to do was help! You’re always so good to me, and you make me feel so warm and happy, and you’re the only thing that calms me down anymore, but---” he hiccuped, temporarily cutting off his rant, “---but I _pushed you away_.” 

Within moments, Asahi was striding forward, wrapping Nishinoya up in his arms. He wasn’t confident about a lot of things---in fact, he wasn’t exactly sure how he wasn’t crumbling with anxiety at this very moment---but he was confident about the fact that he loved Noya, and he would do anything to make Noya aware of this. 

_How in the world could I not want you?_ Asahi thought incredulously as he felt Noya’s small body shudder and shake against his.

“I-I’m s-sorry,” Noya choked out against Asahi’s chest, his tears dampening the fabric of his shirt. 

“Noya,” Asahi soothed, placing a grounding hand on the back of his head. He curled his fingers in Noya’s product-filled hair, his entire body aching with Noya’s cries. He didn’t know what he had expected confronting Noya to go like, but this certainly hadn’t been a thought in his mind. “Noya, it’s okay.” He rocked from side to side gently, shushing his cries as he pet Noya’s head, effectively messing his hair and making him look even more ridiculous than he already did. 

“I love you so much,” Nishinoya said quietly, and his lips tasted salty from all the tears that he had been crying. “I didn’t mean to lose you.” 

“You didn’t, Noya. I’m right here.” Asahi replied softly. “I...I love you, too, you know.” And it was hard. It was so hard because Asahi had to act like every fiber of his being hadn’t been ignited by emotion when Noya had said that. He had to keep his cool because if he didn’t, Noya just might lose it. But his heart was pounding in his chest and he felt a little dizzy, too. 

It took a couple of minutes, but Nishinoya finally calmed down and his breathing steadied. Despite this, neither of the boys moved from their current position. What could Noya say? He liked being held, and Asahi certainly didn’t seem too opposed to keeping his arms wrapped tightly around the smaller boy.

“You...should probably get back to practice,” Noya said out after a moment, his voice raspy and worn from yelling and crying.

“Should I?” Asahi laughed. He kind of didn’t want to, not when Noya was pressed against him like this, all warm and cute… 

Noya let the silence hang between them for a moment before he inhaled and shifted so that he was looking up at Asahi, so that his chin was pressed to Asahi’s chest. “I…” he was having trouble with words---having trouble keeping himself together in general, but he wanted to let Asahi know. He sort of felt like he _deserved_ to know. “I threw my blade away. I’m not going to hurt myself anymore, I promise.” 

A look of surprise tugged on Asahi’s features and he smiled softly. “I’m proud of you. That must’ve been a hard thing to do.”  
  
A blush spread across Noya’s cheeks and he pressed his face against Asahi once more, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Mmph!” he squeaked, and in his mind, he could feel himself tumble backwards.

Asahi laughed, amusement flashing joyously in his eyes. He ran his fingers through Noya’s hair, fondness seeping into every pore of his body. “I _am!_ ” He asserted. “But, Noya? Don’t let me push you into moving too fast, alright? You’re allowed to not be ready to open up about things.” 

Once more, Noya moved so that Asahi could see his face. He looked up at the elder with big, doe eyes, and it didn’t take much for Asahi to realize that he was gone. He had completely regressed. 

“Noya,” Asahi began softly, “how old are you?” 

“‘M four!” Noya stated proudly, his voice high and bubbly. It was an odd contrast to how puffy and red-rimmed his eyes were. 

“Ah,” Asahi stated, dropping one of his hands so that he could slip it into Noya’s. “Let’s go home then.” 

Noya nodded enthusiastically, beaming at him. 

Asahi smiled back and pressed a light kiss to the top of his head before he slipped his phone from his pocket with his free hand and sent a sloppy text to Sugawara, letting him know that things had gotten pretty much patched between he and Noya, but they had to head home because Noya had ended up regressing. Asahi didn’t wait for a response before he locked his phone and pushed it back into the pocket of his gym shorts.

And so, yeah, maybe Noya had slipped up again, but he couldn’t quite find it in himself to mind. Not when Asahi’s hand was in his and they were so close and Asahi had _kissed the top of his head._ Not when for the first time in a long time, Noya was happy, and Asahi was, too. 

And Noya didn’t think that he would mind ever again. 

-


End file.
